Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
So sorry
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.