Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Lmao
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
