Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Morning.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Breaking news:
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh