Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

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This mosquito that bit me is going to regret doing it , have fun being on birth control , valium and beer mf .


Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.


[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no


“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.


I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese


You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.


I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.


god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier


Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth