Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[canadians at you, canadianly]
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
it must be school picture day
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven