culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
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If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?