Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.