Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
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What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.