Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

This is enough internet for the day.