Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

What?

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.