Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
You Might Also Like
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials