Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
You Might Also Like
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
what kind of cook setting is this??
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.