Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
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‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My biological clock is wheezing.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.