Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police