Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
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Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.