Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

Reminder:

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.