Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

Camping tip: No.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

they should create new variants of dopamine

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.