Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

How do you get into the School of Rock?

You rock enroll.

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.