Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

Bringing home a sharpie

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

This did not end as expected.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together