Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
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For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
😆this is so true
🤣🤣
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week