Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Not today.. 😂
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