Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”