Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”