Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early