Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
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If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”