Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it