Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Revenge served cold
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me