Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
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Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears