Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

all that yoga finally paid off

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.