Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”