Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Family Celebrity
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them