Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Me too, bag. Me too….
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time