Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

They also CAN sing✌️

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign