@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

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@Alpot86

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

@TheBoydP

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

@sammyrhodes

One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.

@heyevergreen

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

@aotakeo

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

@simoncholland

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

@Cpin42

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL