Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Noah was an idiot.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT