I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Fine, take the other car, I don’t care.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL