Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
You Might Also Like
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.