Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
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Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
This made me chuckle.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat