Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
This will teach them to underestimate me
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.