Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
is this a threat
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Well, this explains it:
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color