Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”