Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …