Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FAFYJKtXsAEM0QS.mp4

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.