If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
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My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
translated into Canadian
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*