Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

Now, where’s the sport in that?

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

What do you call a zombie who stir fries?

Dead man wokking

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

We’ve all been there…

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG