Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.