Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
You Might Also Like
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.