Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
You Might Also Like
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Passed by a old school Math example today.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here