Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
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My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.