sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.