sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
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It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.