Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Doormats are a gateway rug.

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

The happy life.. 😊