Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

this is 10/10 content no notes

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden