Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes