Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

Lmao

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again