sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
im 7 sauces long
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.