sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”