Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
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Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
A Match(.com), but for socks.