Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
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I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Same pineapple, same
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path