Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

money maker

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

twitter is a journey

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

fixed it

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.