Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Admin smashed it 😂

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

🙂🙃🥹

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

this makes me so uncomfortable

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

A collection of me turning into random objects.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.