Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
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Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I am, perchance
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.