Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Covert ops
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead