Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
You Might Also Like
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.