Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

concern

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.