Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks