Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.