Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.