INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like “listen to your stomach”.
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people
[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k
Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.