@iGreenMonk

Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like “listen to your stomach”.

You Might Also Like

@Bexdora

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

@ClichedOut

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

@MariyaAlexander

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

@clichedout

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

@Chumpstring

[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Alex: yes
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k

@SteelFontana

Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.