Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.