Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.