Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Need this in my life lol
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Isn’t
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.